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Tension is useful and important emotion. Its purpose is to warn us of possible threats and keep us alive. It would be quite difficult to function in the world if we didn’t experience fear. Imagine trying to cross the street with a speeding car hurtling towards you and feeling no fear. There would be no automatic impulse to quickly get back onto the sidewalk and avoid getting run over. You would be a pancake on the road. Thanks, fear!
However, fear often ‘fails’, like a faulty alarm, telling us that a threat or danger exists when it does not. Imagine the fire alarm going off in your house, you feel tense and ready to grab the fire extinguisher, but there is no fire. The fear alarm is often an all-or-nothing alarm that goes off at the slightest possible indication of a threat. Fear has a “better safe than sorry” mentality. It doesn’t matter if it’s accurate; it cares about protecting you. A situation can be distressing or disturbing and therefore feel threatening, causing your fear alarm to go off. Yet the feeling of unrest or distress is different from being threatened or in danger.
Feeling anxious also increases the alarm’s sensitivity, which results in the alarm being more inaccurate – telling you there is danger when there isn’t – and anxiety can cause you to look for danger, which then sets off the alarm. This type of skip or false alarm is problematic, especially if it is chronic. It makes you feel exhausted and drained all the time. You are very alert when this is not necessary. You are responding to a false message. You want the fire alarm to go off when there is a fire, but not when one candle is burning.
When your anxiety alarm is triggered, either by a perceived or actual threat, you may experience anxious thoughts, worries, and physical symptoms, such as increased heart rate, sweating, shaking, or changes in breathing. This is useful if there is a real danger that you need to fight or flee from, but it is not useful if there is not. So it’s helpful to practice recalibrating your anxiety alarm so it’s accurate and doesn’t go off when there’s no threat.
With fear it is difficult to accurately assess whether there is a real danger or a perceived danger. Here too you may feel anxious, but that does not necessarily mean that there is actual danger. Your perception of what is happening is important. If you perceive a situation as dangerous, even if objectively it is not, you will feel anxious. If you perceive a situation as not dangerous, you will feel less anxious.
You can recalibrate your anxiety alarm to be more accurate. First, you must do the challenging work of facing situations that worry you but are not objectively dangerous, such as giving a presentation, attending a party, or a medical appointment. Fear learns from experience, and by facing fear-inducing situations, you teach your fear through your lived experience that these situations are safe, even if they feel unpleasant.
Second, reframe anxious thoughts to be more neutral and balanced so they don’t fuel your anxiety. For example, let’s say you undergo routine medical care annually and have no known heart history or problems, every time you feel mild muscle pain in your chest you think, “Oh no! I’m having a heart attack!” This increases your anxiety. Instead, it might be more accurate and useful to consider: “Having muscle pain is normal. (Maybe I feel muscle tension because of tension or my muscles ache from exertion.) I am safe and fine. This helps reduce anxiety.
Third, practice body-oriented relaxation exercises that decrease nervous system activation and reduction of the physical symptoms of anxiety. One of my favorite skills is breathing slowly and lengthening the exhalation portion of the breath. The exhalation is like a brake in a car, it slows down your nervous system and has a relaxing effect. For example, if you naturally inhale to a count of three, practice exhaling to a count of six. In general, spend about twice as long exhaling as you inhale.
These strategies will reduce the sound of your anxiety alarms and will also help you return to a state of calm more quickly when anxiety arises. These skills teach you: “There is no threat here at this time. I am safe.” Over time, and with repetition, your anxiety alarm will recalibrate and become more accurate, making it easier for you to live.
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